Chapter 1
Blue Dreaming
March 2012
"I think I can do it," I said, running the numbers in my head. If I charged $500 a shoot all I needed was a few a week.
My girlfriend wasn't so sure. "I think you should wait," she said, pulling me back from the edge.
I had just opened a photography studio in Jersey City. My network was expanding. The plan was to use my video skills to grow my network and eventually introduce people to my music.
"What? You don't think I can do it?"
She was the first person I could be my complete self with. I'd never felt as confident as I did in that moment about going off on my own.
"It's not that I don't believe in you, but what if it doesn't work out?"
“What if it doesn't work out?” I retorted.
"I just want us to be okay." She sighed.
I knew if I couldn't convince my girl, I definitely couldn’t convince my mom. The idea of me leaving a promising engineering career to go gallivant and make videos wasn't what I'd gone to school for.
My mom, a lifelong educator, had always advised me to do my thing on the side. So that’s what I did.
My pastor, who played the role of surrogate father, didn’t approve of my relationship, and didn’t seem to pay much attention to anything else. As far as he was concerned, if you weren’t using your gifts for “the kingdom,” you were on the road to destruction.
I had $60,000 in student loan debt and the idea of going all-in without paying that off felt impossible.
All I wanted was to live and create in a full-time creative space, to fully step into my dream without the back and forth.
My twenties were slipping, and I hadn't taken any risks.
I was stuck watching my peers. The artists I'd listened to back in college, breaking through. Meanwhile I was playing it safe.
My plan was to use my video skills to grow my network, and then be like, “but I rap too.”
I had listened to the College Dropout so much, I was living out my own Last Call.
I was tired of living this double life.
"I just want us to be okay." My girlfriend sighed, bringing me back to reality.
“Yea, me too.” I said, desperate to live a different story.